Dear Ginger, My husband is having an affair…

Dear Ginger

I have been so touched by the messages and comments I have received here on the blog. I can’t tell you how much hearing from you has meant to me, and I am so honored to spend a little part of your day with you!

Today I want to talk about the heartbreaking messages I receive every week from women who are going through the devastating storm of seeing their marriage end. Each story is a little different, but the pain is the same.

I just found out my husband has been cheating on me…

First of all, I wish that I could give you a big hug, and that we could sit and cry and talk over a cup of tea. My heart aches for what you are going through right now. I know that it doesn’t feel like you will survive this. I remember how broken, alone, and lost I felt – but please, please know that you really will get through this. I know you will.

What should I do now? Please help!

The first and biggest advice that I would have for anyone is to find a counselor that you can talk to. I could not have done this without my wonderful therapist. Having someone who can help guide you through the darkness, who can help you heal and grow, was a huge part in my journey to healing. There are many ways to go about finding a therapist, but I found mine through a local church. Find one that makes you feel safe, someone you can trust during this storm, even if you have to visit a few different ones. They will also be able to help if your children would benefit from having someone work through this with them. My therapist used play therapy to help my boys work through processing their emotions, and I would do it again for them in a heartbeat.

Should I get tested for STDs?

There is something else that you need to do: Go to your doctor and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I shared here about how embarrassed I was to be tested, but you have to do this for the sake of your health. I wish that I could be there to hold your hand through it, but just know that I am with you in spirit. Don’t delay – just get it over with. You won’t have to wonder any longer – and you won’t regret it.

How do I pick up the pieces?

As far as how to move on and start to heal – all I can tell you is to just do the next thing. Read your precious little ones a story. Give them a bath. Go get groceries. Walk the dog. Concentrate on the next thing that you have to do throughout the day. It helped me to not be so overwhelmed by everything I was facing alone. One thing at a time. One moment at a time.

Keep things as normal as possible for your children. Take a break and go into another room to cry when the tears start to fall. Do whatever helps for just a few minutes – pray, scream into a pillow, or call a friend. Then come back out and tackle the next thing on your list. That is how I made it through those rough days.

Try to keep up your strength and health. I lost 23 pounds in the first five days after finding out about my husband’s infidelity. I tried everything I knew to do, but my milk supply still dried up and I was no longer able to nurse my 5 month old baby. I wish that I had taken a little more time to care for myself – but I did my best while trying to navigate through the pain.

I feel so alone…

You are not alone. Sadly, there are so many women going through this very thing right now – and there are those of us who have already walked through this very same nightmare.

Do you have a support system? Ask a friend if she can be there for you. Have someone that will let you cry on their shoulder when you’re overwhelmed by the pain and your heart is breaking. Someone that will let you vent when you just can’t hold all of the emotions in any longer… And this can be a two-way street. You can be there for her, too.

I have those special people in my life. My friend Heather sat with me while I had my locks changed. She also lent me funny DVDs to watch and help me relax a little at night after my boys were in bed. My friend and mentor Becky was only a phone call away when I needed to vent. Joanne got me out of the house for a little bit of fun. Andrea hugged me through it, watched my boys while I went to counseling, and cried with me. So many volunteered and encouraged me as I began earning a small income selling jewelry when I became a single mom. My family babysat and camped out on the living room floor when I needed it. I’m telling you…I could not have made it without their love and support, and I will always be grateful for each and every one of them.

Even when you have kindred spirits you can turn to, you might still feel very alone. The betrayal and hurt that come from an unfaithful spouse will cut deep, and can leave you feeling vulnerable and fragile. Don’t build walls around your heart, but instead use this time to grow and heal. I know that it doesn’t feel like it, but you can emerge on the other side of this stronger, healthier, and more whole than you could possibly imagine.

Remember that you’re not alone. I promise.

What about you? ~

Do you have any advice for our friends? How have you made it through incredibly rough times in your life?

Do you have any other questions for me? I aways really, truly, sincerely love hearing from YOU. Just leave me a comment here or email me at justoneoftheboysblog@gmail.com.

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Until next time,

*Hugs*

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4 Comments
  • Alysha says:

    Ginger, I can really feel your heart through this post. Thank you so much for sharing your insight into not only working through but surviving such a trying season of your life. I feel your advice can be applied to so many situations in our lives. One of the most treasured bits of advice you have given all those who are suffering through this trial is not to build walls around themselves and to reach out. We cannot make it through difficult season all alone. We need support, but sometimes we have to ask for it. Thank you again!
    Abundant Blessings
    Alysha

  • Diane L. says:

    This is excellent advice. I found out my husband was seeing another woman when I was pregnant with our second child. That was over 20 years ago, and our marriage ended in divorce.
    I agree that it is crucial to see a professional counselor. At a time like this, we really need to be able to talk to someone who is completely outside the situation and can offer objective options and advice.
    Hugs and prayers to any of you who are going through this difficult journey right now.

  • Hillary Young says:

    My husband had an affair 8 years ago. My son, our first child, was six months old at the time. After a short separation and praying that the Lord would change his heart, he called me and asked if I could ever forgive him. Because of my upbringing, I believed that if he was willing to try than I needed to try giving this marriage another chance. My mistake in all of this was that I did not heal the right way. We went to counseling briefly, but life resumed and I was expected to move on. I did move on, but I didn’t deal with my pain. I honestly felt that I had forgiven him for sleeping with someone else; however, I didn’t forgive him for the emotional trauma of that year. I became bitter and angry at him. Everything that happened in our marriage – fights, mistakes, miscommunication, etc. – was because of his affair. This led to years of ups and downs. 7 years later and 2 children later, our marriage was in shambles. We fought all the time, he became mean and angry, and I became closed off emotionally. As I shut my husband off, I also shut the Lord off. I was angry, hurt, bitter, depressed, and wanted it all to end. I became highly selfish and felt that I had an injustice done to me. I deserved better. This thinking led to my own affair. But guess what? It just made it worse. I didn’t find that emotional support I needed, and now my husband is reeling from my affair. I have found I am nothing with Christ, but I am redeemed and forgiven. God’s grace is incomprehensible most days, but I know He will use me again. To those dealing with their husband’s affair – let yourself heal. Take as much time as you need to be mad, hurt, sad, depressed, or whatever emotions you need to go through to deal with each one. It is okay to feel those things. Let yourself feel them and deal with them, but make sure you forgive him. If you don’t forgive, it will seep into every other relationship you have. Any time, the thought of his affair comes into your mind, tell yourself,” I forgive you for that.” I believe the Lord said to forgive 70 times 7, not for so many sins that are committed, but just maybe it meant that you might need to keep forgiving that person for the same sin over and over. Unforgiveness is a great tool of Satan that he can most certainly use to ruin a person’s life. Forgive every aspect of that hurt your husband caused you – every aspect.

    • ginger says:

      Hillary – Thank you SO much for sharing a bit of your story. I wish that I could give you a big hug right now. Please know that I just said a prayer for you, your husband, and your precious little ones. You are incredibly right – Forgiveness is KEY in healing. It hurts – but it’s so worth it.

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I’m Ginger ~

I'm a wife to my Beloved, mom of three boys, bookworm, survivor of a broken heart, and Kansas Girl. It is my desire to encourage you. No matter what storm you're going through right now, you are not alone. I promise.

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