With the gentle nudging of a few friends, I had wanted to start a blog for quite some time, but I had been very hesitant to actually begin this process. Please don’t misunderstand me, I love the the feeling of not being able to write or type fast enough – when my story is bubbling up inside of me and I can’t keep up with how quickly it is flowing out of my heart. I can now see how creativity breeds further creativity. I enjoy the challenge of trying to put together cohesive posts that will hopefully touch or inspire someone. But as a private person, sharing many of my journal entries from over the years, unveiling the deepest and darkest moments of my life – it’s scary. It’s quite frightening to pour your wounded and healing heart out on a screen – and then to hit “publish” or to make it your Facebook status. It is no longer sheltered and protected deep inside, but out there for all to see. Being transparent can leave a person feeling so incredibly vulnerable.
I’ll never forget the moment that I knew that something was very wrong. I had just discovered something that was truly devastating to my first marriage. Before I even had the definite proof of the affair, I knew that things would never again be the same. The one thing that gave me hope during that moment was an tiny stirring in my soul – something told me that maybe someday I would be able to be of help to someone else facing their own nightmare. Each and every one of us have battled our own dragons. We have faced betrayal, loneliness, fear, and uncertainty. We all have a story to tell, something that could reach out to a fellow traveler on the road of life, and it just might help them right where they are in that moment in time.
Part of my reason for writing is personal. Everyone deals with life experiences, good or bad, in different ways. I happen to choose writing to help me process what is going on in my heart and in my life, or maybe writing chose me. I have kept a journal for nearly as long as I can remember. I used to write down all of the fun things that I did with my dad over the weekends that I spent at his house. Writing helped me navigate through the painful internal dialogue of my adolescent years. I took it up again when our boys were babies to always remember those precious, and sleep-deprived, times. Writing once again helped me to clear my head and steady myself when it felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. I still turn to it to process an experience or to help me verbalize how I am feeling. Writing is healing for me. It’s like a soothing balm that gently draws out the ugliness of life, and covers each heartbreaking moment with a peaceful ending – Yes, this happened. It stinks. But everything really will be okay.
I also wanted to share our story because even after the devastating heartbreak of our broken marriages, I am still in awe of how things transpired for us to find each other at the perfect moment in time. New beginnings, a fresh start at happily ever after, and learning to come together as a blended family – this has been the ride of a lifetime! Making our way through the pain and sorrow of the past, I am so grateful to be where I am today. Even though I wish that I could somehow erase the pain, I wouldn’t trade anything for our ornery little gaggle of boys and the committed love that I have found in him.
I want to be very careful as I write about some of the things on my heart. I realize now that my story is mine to share. What I experienced in the 7 years that I was married was very real, and the wounds have and will continue to heal over time. I’ve shared some of the most agonizing times in my life, not out of vengeance or from a place of a pity party, and I pray that I never cross those lines. I am trying to remember to tell the story that is my own, but not to tell the story that does not belong to me. This quote stood out to me as I was trying to decide whether to start a blog or not…
Thank you so much for coming along beside me on this journey! Every view, comment, and “like” has felt like a giant hug from you, my friends. After nearly 3 weeks of writing, I am relieved that I haven’t been booted off or kicked out of the blogging world! I’m still trying to find my voice and my way in this new adventure – and your encouragement continues to mean so much to me. If my little corner of the world helps or inspires even one person over time, my heart’s desire will have been met. *BIG hugs to y’all*
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
~ C.S. Lewis
Photo above is one that I snapped as I was reading Bird by Bird, by the inspiring Anne Lamott.
~ May 2013~ I am a fixer. I fix things. His pain. Emergency Room. Appendicitis. Scans. Doctors. "I'm sorry..." Kidney...