Journal entry – June 2009
Seven years ago I was crazy in love, stars in my eyes, and I had so many hopes and dreams for the future. But now, after everything that has happened, seven years seems as far away as an entirely different lifetime. Last Monday, on my seventh wedding anniversary, I wore my engagement and wedding rings for the last time. Before falling asleep that night, I finally took off the rings – and this time it was for good. Those rings held so much promise, so much love, so much hope, and so much meaning for me. I loved what I had thought that those rings symbolized. In our wedding ceremony the minister said that our wedding rings were a symbol of the unbroken circle of love, an outward and visible sign of an inward spiritual bond. A little over six years later I discovered that the love and bond that those rings represented had been shattered by the one person that I trusted more than anyone.
I tried so hard over the last six months to mend those broken bonds, to let the Lord heal and join us back together. I canceled my filing for divorce in December. I read all the books. I worked tirelessly with counselors for six months to restore the marriage that I thought that I once had, and hoped against hope that my little family could eventually live happily ever after.
I didn’t want to believe that my world was crumbling again all around me. I desperately wanted our little family to walk through this fire, and to come out on the other side hand-in-hand and stronger than ever. I had hoped that our story could help other couples in a similar situation, giving them hope for a life and love after a time of crushing marital death such as our own. I truly desired for my family to be whole, and I wanted to be able to experience for the first time a Christ-centered, exciting, nurturing, and loving marriage. This would be an extremely difficult thing to go through, even under the best of circumstances, but after the long and painful process of finally realizing that the end has come, I have decided that it is time for me to let go.
This understanding is very painful, but increasingly freeing. It is as though I am experiencing all of the pain, betrayal, and agony all over again. To relive those things – the death of my marriage – every single moment of every single day is more than any faithful spouse should ever have to endure. Yet, it is freeing because I also know that I am releasing myself from this devastation. I didn’t choose the situation where I have found myself – he chose it for me. I didn’t have a say in his betrayal, but I can make the decision to allow myself to heal. Is it possible to feel heartbroken but amazingly at peace at the same time?
This week I visited an attorney’s office where I filed for divorce. I signed all of the paperwork needed to forever protect myself from him hurting me in this way again. I am closing the book on this part of my life, my journey through marriage and entering motherhood. By signing the mountain of paperwork that it takes to file for divorce, I began an entirely new book in my life’s story – a sequel, if you will – that starts as I enter life as a 28 year old single mother. As scary and uncertain as the future is for me, I know that the Lord is gently cradling my little family in the palm of His hand… and that is all the reassurance that I need.
~ Our Story ~
Photos courtesy of NZ Portraits by Joanne
May I please show you a little obsession of mine? Ta-dah! I have a wee bit of a...