Journal Entry – February 2009
Numbness – adjective
Pain – noun
The numbness and shock over the events of the past year have started to dissipate. The thick haze that I existed in during the last few months is being blown away by the breeze of the present. And it hurts. The pain that I felt then is nothing compared to the deep hurt that I am experiencing now. I did not realize that the term “a broken heart” could truly be felt physically. It’s like I am being broken in half, and there isn’t a band-aid in the world big enough to hold me together. I am longing for the protective barrier of shock to come back. I am pleading with God to let the numbness return to me, so that I don’t have to deal with these emotional minefields. How much longer do I have to relive the betrayal, lies, hurt, and agony over and over again every minute of every day? I know that God is with me, and that He will never forsake me…but if that’s true, why do I feel more alone than ever?
Nothing can prepare you for the realization that your husband is having an affair. I had read the articles and watched the television shows that addressed the topic of infidelity. I had studied it in Psychology class. I had even quietly suspected for months that my husband was cheating on me, but nothing could soften the devastating impact that this left on my heart. I cradled my infant son even tighter as my heart began to race. I felt ice flood through my veins – from the top of my head down to the soles of my feet. I gently put my sleeping baby back in his crib – worried that the shaking of my grieving convulsions would rouse him – and then I became violently ill.
As I silently climbed back into bed next to the husband whose betrayal I had just discovered, all words escaped me. I could tell that he was facing away from me, but I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the stranger – at the sudden enemy – who was sharing my bed. I felt a thick cloud of shock settle all around me – like a shield, staving off just enough of the pain to survive this moment. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, but nothing would come. I knew that I should pray – for guidance, for help, for clarity, for safety, and to wake up from the very real nightmare that was now threatening to engulf my family. I have said thousands of prayers over the course of my life, but nothing original could flow out of my heart that night.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
“Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.”
I silently mouthed these words over and over and over again for hours – until I watched the dark shadows give way to the first morning light. As he prepared for work, I busied myself with our little ones while painfully suppressing the intense storm of questions and emotion that I felt rising up inside of me.
Instinctively, I went into a protective survival mode – the mama grizzly in me awoke, and I would do everything in my power to protect my precious cubs. I packed a few changes of clothes, and then I mustered enough excitement in my voice to tell the boys that we were going to see Grandma. They were thrilled to get to play with their aunt and uncles that day, but what they didn’t know was that for the first time in my life I was gaining a strength that I’d never felt before – that I had never needed before. My little boys didn’t realize that the developments of the next 24 hours could forever alter the future of our little family. I was going to confront the betrayal face-to-face with my husband…
~ Our Story ~
*Click* I ended the call. As I did my best to take a deep breath, I blinked back angry...